Thursday, December 6, 2012

dig a hole

"I'm going to go and dig a hole"
he said, to himself.
the sun was down
and a storm was brewing...
and it was that time
of day called night when he would walk
the streets looking for faces and stories
to fill his notebook with.
so later he could place that book
and it's coils under his pillow
and by osmosis, dream for lost ones.

but that is jumping ahead.
he clicked his poser
motorcycle boots
down Culver City Boulevard
stopping for a taco
and trying so hard to make eye contact
with the regulars and the lonely
instead of fantasizing of running through
brick walls
and reappearing in '39
to search for Scarlet with a tribe
of little people

but that is besides the point
he was on a mission...
he was going to dig a hole
and what that hole was for
had no bearing on anything
that mattered.
the only thing that mattered
was he was searching
for a mystery to solve
because he was tired of his own...
so he falls down his hole
like film noir alice
in a fedora
worrying about
anything but himself
digging deeper and
deeper still
hiding
refusing, with all his might,
to give up
time travel
for the rain.

for now this is enough

            Today I want to write something new. Something I never wrote before.  Well, that wont be that difficult of a feat since every moment has to be "new" by definition...I think.  Even if thematically speaking, I have touched on a subject many times before...this time is still NEW.  I don't want to stop myself just because I might not be original.  I actually don't believe in "original".  There is no such thing.  Nothing is brand new.  Even if it seems new it most likely came from INSPIRATION... "from the spirit"...from someplace outside of ourselves.  and who knows where it came from before that?....It's possibly all one big circle.  Or maybe a long road leading to infinity?...could there be an end?  Not for me to know I guess...for now anyway.

              So where was I?  something new....


there was a barbarian
who loved victorian homes
and morning coffee kissing the sun
as it broke away from the deep sea
once more.


that's all...for now....just a moment of something new...sometimes "just a moment" when aloud to live can be a doorway to other worlds that if left to die and vanish would go forgotten...

we shall see...for now this is enough

Sunday, December 2, 2012

to(begin again)day

today is december second
two thousand and twelve.
i am sitting on top of a mountain
of sorts...
i can see the ocean from here.
a bit of it anyway
through a misty fog.
this is not poetry.
this is simply reported fact.

today is a new day...
not unlike the day before,
but still it's own newness
should not be ignored.
even as i put my suit,
that should be dry cleaned
i suppose,
in the washer...
i work to avoid thinking
about tomorrow
and just enjoy this
mundane moment
for a change.

today is a day
that will never
happen again...
i'm gonna begin
to try to understand
that miracle
for a change
i'm gonna begin
to breathe
for a change
i'm gonna begin
to not be afraid
for a change

but please
don't take it as
the contract
of someone
you are bound
to call a hypocrite...
because maybe this
is just a poem after all
and not fact...
and today is just a day
and i am just a me
and you are just a you...
but i can almost see the ocean...
that is a fact.
and maybe just enough
to begin
again

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

karma killer

gonna wear it all
on my sleeve
like a tattooed
gypsy circus freak
come closer now,
maybe you will see
the karma killer
inside of me
that refuses to ever believe
the reasons you say we suffer
and watch the tattoos always bleed
so you can see
the fight to be the real me


karma killer
fight this demon
karma killer
stalking me
karma killer
can you see them
karma killer
cant believe
in the power
that you have
to take away my life
so tonight i am a karma killer
and one us will die


gonna face the night and all its stars
whose light wont let me hide my scars
so a stranger ties me in the dark
to a bed i think wont get me far
with blindfold on i dream the karma
dies before another
dream that dosent come to life
but for now i fight
to stay awake in the night

karma killer
fight this demon
karma killer
stalking me
karma killer
can you see them
karma killer
cant believe
in the power
that you have
to take away my life
so tonight i am a karma killer
and one us will die

don't tell me who i am
don't tell me anymore
of where this whole damn life will end
based on what I've done before


karma killer
fight this demon
karma killer
stalking me
karma killer
can you see them
karma killer
cant believe
in the power
that you have
to take away my life
so tonight i am a karma killer
and one us will die
















Monday, September 17, 2012

upon seeing glen hansard busking in soho


shocks of grey and red hair
and a passion of strumming
and screaming to brand new
worship songs found me
faint and short of breath
as i leaned against a wall
in a shadowed alley
called jersey street.

i had wandered all day
in the heat
south of the village
never stopping...
since stopping
was always at a cost
that i didn't have
and i wondered how far
i could go
how long could i travel
in circles of people-watching,
riding on zero and empty...

and then suddenly
in a tiny subtle way
fate at last
kissed me
as i saw cameras pointed
at a "no way it can't be him"
once in a lifetime moment
that i was able to stand still for

i watched him reach higher
than i thought i could go
ever again. as i
died at last
and remained
gone
in peace
walking the streets
with new steps
silent
but changed
and at last innocent
one more time

if (we only have today)

if stranger looks away
will you follow that gaze
to places you know less than
hope but more than what
you have seen before?

if wonder finds you hiding
inside the soundtrack
of crashing curling water
will you breathe her in?
or pass away to lack
of tomorrow's only chance,
not trusting the dream
of scales on your spirit's
soul...

if lover lied to your mirror's face
will you see the backwards
irony that never lets you rest
in it's pervasive curses
of questions, that
only serve to send you
deeper in a maze-
meant to end the wild streak
that could have been alive
when the sun first kissed
your brow...

if you...were your own lover
touching the wonder liquid colors
crawling down your time away from
yesterday, you would see you are only
a stranger yourself...one worth knowing
tomorrow...but today...
we only have today,
she said to the
graffitied quotes
that followed her
like a jules verne
quest to the center
of a planet
she didnt know
was alive
until she said gently
one more time...
we only have today.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

johnny was her jesus (unsung song)

breathing in the salt
mixed with morning sun & sky
that clashed with city streets
slowly waking from the night
that begged to hide away
with the gods of rock & roll
who were crucified at 3 am
just before they saved her soul

johnny was her jesus
she wanted him inside
her secret lover friend
whos words kept her alive
johnny died and left his dreams
bout 30 years ago
but his music resurects her
as neighbors pray for her soul
johnny was her jesus
his words let her know
that even lost, living is alive...

waves carresed her ankles
as she ignored the syringe
for worn down colored glass
that defied the mess she's in
held it to the sun
to shine the sea on the streets
and baptize all the lost
for the gods she'd never meet

johnny was her jesus
she wanted him inside
her secret lover friend
whos words kept her alive
johnny died and left his dreams
bout 30 years ago
but his music resurects her
as neighbors pray for her soul
johnny was her jesus
his words let her know
that even lost, living is alive...

she cried,
"come alive
come alive my friend
one day all is lost
one day you'll rise again."

she cried,
"i don't need
my johnny jesus anymore.
just wanna hold you tight
and end your inner war"

Johnny was her jesus
now she's letting go
of her secret lover friend
who's words saved her soul
johnny died and left his dreams
when she was twenty one
johnny was her jesus
now there's there's solace in his son
who even lost, helps her come alive

her and johnny jesus' son
are goin on a ride
her and Johnny Jesus' son
will someday soon say goodbye
and even though they're lost...
living is alive

Friday, February 10, 2012

madame marie...unsung song

waking from an ancient night
facing toward the eastern sky
recalling dreams of neon lights
that glowed alive and made me high

but left me out in the cold
sweating out this love so old
that even though it's you i hold
it dances like a memory

following grafitti eyes
seducing me with promises
i fall inside your little white lies
find truth inside your kiss

you whisper that my future's fine
you run your fingers down my line
ask me to drink of your wine
and we dance like a memory

Dance my love, like a memory
but don't let go
don't let it be
don't forget
madame marie
you told me I'd be fine

Dance my love, like a memory
that i can't hold on to
I can't believe
don't forget
madame marie
you told me you'd be mine
don't forget
madame marie
dance my love, like a memory
that shines

you hide behind your prophecies
of passing strangers pain
getting high when you relieve
their heat with summer rain

but i see you, and youre the one
that needs the love, but now youre done
i stand alone with the rising sun
and we dance like a memory

Dance my love, like a memory
but don't let go
don't let it be
don't forget
madame marie
you told me I'd be fine

Dance my love, like a memory
that i can't hold on to
I can't believe
don't forget
madame marie
you told me you'd be mine
don't forget
madame marie
dance my love, like a memory
that shines

bordertown (dance for free)...unsung song

wastin money on margaritas
waitin on a strangers call
lovers grinding in my mind
out the window rain just falls

then the dj's music fades
that femme fatale takes the stage
and rips me to another time
when i dared to live and almost die
just to be painted in the night

with red on drying lips
and love layed broken on her sleeve
she's workin' for the tips
i wanna make her believe
but i'm just falling and about to be lost
in this bordertown...
she wont know i exist cuz i cant pay the cost
but i cant pay the gas to not stick around
so I'm stuck in lonely limbo
in this quiet bordertown...
prayin' that she will dance for free

wanting lights to fade to blackness
wishing i'd just dissapear
so she'd be blind to all my pain
and not be scared of all my fears

then the femme fatale is gone
the dj plays another song
i drink to that to blur my sight
so though shes gone, i see the light
and she paints me in the dying night

with red on drying lips
and love layed broken on her sleeve
she's workin' for the tips
i wanna make her believe
but i'm just falling and about to be lost
in this bordertown...
she wont know i exist cuz i cant pay the cost
but i cant pay the gas to not stick around
so I'm stuck in lonely limbo
in this quiet bordertown...
prayin' that she will dance for free

the night is over
i walk the streets
left with nothing
but painted dreams

of red on drying lips
and love layed broken on her sleeve
she's workin' for the tips
i wanna make her believe
but i'm just falling and about to be lost
in this bordertown...
she wont know i exist cuz i cant pay the cost
but i cant pay the gas to not stick around
so I'm stuck in lonely limbo
in this quiet bordertown...
prayin' that she will dance for free

cant get away from your song...unsung song

All I can do
Is lie in a dark room
Blasting out whatever tunes
To take away what I feel
Everything I need
To let my tears bleed
Internally
Denying what I know to be real

All I can do
Is get lost in that room
And try to forget you
And try not to feel
But no matter how hard I try
The music keeps me alive
Though I’m begging to die
Just to know heaven’s real

And if I turn the music loud enough
I see sunshine, and I feel your love
But here’s the thing
I don’t want to feel

So now I’m forever running
Just to get away
Cuz I’d rather not know you’re gone

Driving to the edge
Of an empty highway
Dead silence
the radio’s off

But no matter far I drive, or how far I run
I can’t get away from your song
Even when the radio’s off
I can’t get away from your song

All I can be is who I am
I’m free to lose myself,
I’ll swim through the sea
And find myself when I drown.

I’ll see you again
My loving friend
But this could really be the end
And I’m scared
still lost, not found

All I can be
Is nothing but me
Looking for silence, but I’ll try to believe
That maybe, just maybe you’ll come back
Truth is, I’ve never lost like this before
So I’ll always leave an open door
For your soul to comfort me, just a little more
But I’m having a panic attack

And if I turn the music loud enough
I see your sunshine, and all your love
But the thing is, you may never be back

So now I’m forever running
Just to get away
Cuz I’d rather not know you’re gone

Driving to the edge
Of an empty highway
Dead silence
the radio’s off

But no matter far I drive, or how far I run
I can’t get away from your song
Even when the radio’s off
I can’t get away from your song.

So all I can do
Is lie in a room
And let myself remember you
With the radio on

Cuz no matter how far I go, or how far I run
I can’t escape the light of your sun
So I guess you and me, we’re not really done
Cuz I can’t get away from your song.
Even when the radio’s off
I can’t get away from your song.

Friday, January 27, 2012

free dog

so there, i said it
i felt it...i dreamt it...
conjuring my blood to the surface
of my canvased flesh and papered tables,
fingerpainting words i once buried
like an amnesiac dog buried bones
years before, and layed over them wide awake
and not knowing how close he was to his pain,
his solace, his joy.

but now it's done
and I want it
to burn..all of it...and bury it all again...
and move on this time, leaving it all behind
as i will come to life in a grand presentation of
reinvention, rebirth, and at last simply someone
you will understand and love and know that
even with nothing else but the dirty clothes on my back...i am enough.

I said...what
i needed to...now I burn
                               bury
                               forgive
                               and
                               walk

to the next destination,
like a dog...once again,
that everyone thinks is lost
but he is only
free. 

M street

I didn't go to my new job today, of hustling
invisible packages of fun to the lost and naive.
wait, did i just say that?  admitting to a scam?
truth is i don't even know what it is or was
but what i do know is there was no gaurantee
of payment...just of hope that they were on the up
and up...and for today i couldn't handle that.
my head was someplace else, trying to wake up...
trying to come alive and be somebody...
somebody new, somebody else, somebody
that resembles me, but has a steady income
and a daughter who lives in the same house,
the same town, the same state...
someone with a home instead of just his imagination
that will have to do for now...
I remembered a few years ago i took my car
in to get fixed to some garage somewhere deep
in the valley, and a fifty something year old female
lesbian sage mechanic, besides giving me a great deal
on my vehicular issues, directed me to a coffee house
on M street that was magic she said...and it would change my life.
and so I went there...and sat
and sat...
and waited...
came back the next day even...
but still no magic...
that i could see anyway...then i stopped going
and even left town...a few more detours in a life that
i am so ready to stop and smell the same flowers
and even coffee, on the same damn corner
for awhile, if only she were here too...my little dreamer hero.
today, a few years later I returned to give the magic
coffee shop another chance...on the possibillity that maybe
i just simply did not give it enough time...
so i went back
to write things...and maybe even poetry.
and there you were
sitting in the far corner of the magic coffee shop
looking so familiar...writing...
seeming to be quite animated with the story in front of you,
or maybe you were trading instant messages
with a lover or a friend...or your
mother...but no matter what it was, your eye was twitching...
and i stared...because that is my disiese;
to stare at any living beautiful interesting female faces like
they are paintings on a wall, or a movie carrying me away to someplace else
but of course is incapable of catching me in my sickness of getting lost
or maybe found in them since they are not human...
but reality sometimes creeps in, and as it did...i was caught,
and then she gathered her belongings and stories and left.
and i sat still, patiently waiting for another familiar painting
or flash of light through cellular love to come alive and
subliminally whisper secrets that I've waited for
all these years...
but then it happened...
she returned
and we talked
all day
and i will rest easier tonight
since i was able to at last make a real moment more alive than art...
but yet the truth is she didnt come back...
but this is my pencil
and my paper
and my art
and yes even my rules
and whether it's life or art
i don't care...
it's still alive
and the only me i know today
so it will have to do for now...
and that is where our story begins
thankful for the advice of a sage mechanic in the valley
as i sit in the middle of the magic coffee shop
on M street....about to finally believe.

Monday, January 16, 2012

falling manifestations (& fairy tales)

where is the man, that I'm not supposed
to pay attention to...behind the curtain,
to give me my testimonial to prove i have
had all along what i thought was missing?
i drove to malibu over the weekend
to sit at the seaside market
and read self help books
and breathe in the same air
as the rich and successful
families and lovers and
and even some other wanderers
to see if that would change me.
to see if the air itself could be my
testimonial and even speak to me
in the form of a pigeon or
some other spirit that looks like
a wise old man or a muse from
further down a road
that i have yet to see the end of.
i read all day and overheard
blended conversations
of strangers with no worries
hoping they would cough on me
and it would be contagious.
i got up for a moment to
journey across the way
in search of a bathroom
being stopped by chartities
looking for money.
had to tell them I was just passing through.
not a local.
not able to help them today,
that i was just pretending i was from there
so if they would take a pretend donation
i could indeed do that.
suddenly i found the marketplace
not at all what i was searching for.
Not Oz or pretend wise old men
to show me what i had all along...
i wanted wonderland, which i guess it's easy to
confuse the two...modern fairytales.
I was looking for my own...
so i ran down the road
after imaginary white rabbits
in the form of range rovers and porsches
and came to a tree.
and i climbed
thinking I could climb
high enough to see my wonderland,
but it was too hard to climb.
thought if i got high enough
i could leap and fly to my
wonderland...
but dammit no matter how many pages
of self help books i read
i do not have wings...after all.
no matter how much i believe
in fairy tales and impossible dreams
at the end of the day i am still me.
i am still me?
I thought that was the whole point.
to find me...
maybe i already found me.
am i my own wizard?
and then i did the most boring obvious thing
i could think of
because i was worn out from trying too damn hard
to be original.
intead of just simply myself.
I went to the place where the waves meet the sand
and dug a hole.
and as i looked up to the bluffs and saw
a canary yellow beach house
that i swore would be mine one day soon,
i imagined a rabbit jumping down the hole...
and i followed..
and i fell
and i didnt think
and nothing could stop me
as gravity became my craft
to freedom and a me that
was born for wonderland
but for so many years
i was holding on too tight
for dear life
not accepting
that the only way
to truly know yourself
is to fall...
(and as i fell i remembered digging holes with you and planting magic sticks that would root and create paths to wonderland...dear you, go find one and i will meet you there and we will beat the dragons together...and then we will go have hot chocolate and dream in the canary yellow beach house that i still can see as i fall..and wait..and love...and hold you from afar...)
and love...

Saturday, January 7, 2012

love triangle in berlin

the camera rolled
on what seemed to be a rehearsal of some sort.
a string quartet set the mood
on a stage with lights up on a hollow house.
no audience besides the skeleton crew
being careful to pretend they almost
don't exist so the performers can. exist.
so they can play with intimacy
and a quiet simple aching love
for what is about to take place.
the scene was being set with
a singer who lit her torch
like a billie holiday joni mitchell love child
saying her final words before setting herself
or maybe someone else on fire.
in the background there was a man
wearing a simple garb of leather and denim
a bit like james dean had he not died...
had he straggled on to later years.
he looked in a mirror while applying
white face and watching the music be played
and tried not to act like he was being filmed
and tried not to act like the hair on his arm was standing up
and tried not to act like every note was possibly guiding him
to a premature breaking point.
and just then a dancer entered stage left
seemingly improvising to the strings and flames
and every new angle of her flesh and bones
translated the song into a language
that was like a binary universal code
to be understood by all...
even maybe a god who will finally show face for a thing like this.
and as the man with an unfinished sloppy face
stood to meet the expert motions of her always wishes
and muscles and blood traveling that made him realize his craving
for life, like seeing a hummingbird hover in super slow motion
and for a second believing he too could live like that. could fly like that.
but as he attempted to reach out
he only fumbled and fell and rolled around hoping to be something else
that would be enough for her and equal.
and maybe it was all part of the choreography
which it must have been
because otherwise why would cameras be watching
making movies for posterity and maybe even art.
or was this reality tv?
or was this a dream?
then the singer setting the tone seemed to be watching on
and the dynamics became that of an age old love triangle
in purgatory circus
hanging on with desperation
not wanting to let go and find out
where the end would lead.
even as the string quartet
finished the song
the singer continued
in acapella free style lingering on a slightly off key madness.
as the dancer and man-clown continued with her
the camera rolled on steady all in a single shot
taking everything in.
over shoulders
extreme close-ups
two shots not sure if they want to be singles
or maybe even a three shot.
the man-clown stopped trying to reach the heights
the dancer stopped moving only to reveal she actually had wings
the singer stopped singing at last
and entered into the breast of the dancer who collapsed her whole
wing span around her
as the man-boy-clown watched for a moment
then walked away back to the mirror
and began to scrape off the make up
to a level of not clean, but only distortion
that brought himself at last to where his truth was in that time
of giving up everything he thought he wanted
as he still tried to pretend the camera wasn't rolling
on this auto-biographical dream ballet
that actually had no meaning at all,
besides the meaning of getting to the next moment
through a path of art, love, and letting go of the last moment
that will always be remembered
for awards at foreign film festivals
and that will have to be enough
as they all pretend to relax at the first screening
hearts racing
watching carefully and sometimes looking down instead.
not because they were scared or embarrassed
but because they almost couldn't take
the realization that the scene that clicked before them
from light over their heads
was more alive than everything they have done in between the lines.
and while the audience applauded and praised
they had already made their exit
and found themselves in a bathroom stall
fumbling and dancing and improvising
a silent song that would never be sung again
and there were no cameras this time
so they knew it was real
as they went their separate ways
to meet the press
and smile
and pretend
like it was all a show
and not their own private stop motion love virus
that no camera could capture...ever.
and ever and ever and ever
they would ache to return
but in old age may only sit
watching this memory back on the late show
with popcorn and wine and dancing and touching
with only themselves alone
wondering if the others are doing the same
and if they should call
and find each other again
to say goodbye
one more time