is survival

When I was
2 3 4 5 6 7
Or so
My parents were…
Well, I had a mom
I had a dad
Then I had a mom
And I had Sundays
With a man
Who I missed
They were broken
So I was broken
And I was fragile
And too gentle to be broken
I heard a story
More than once
That I was alive
A midget showman
A myth that I want
To believe
But whatever the truth was
It does not matter
Cuz all I remember
Is nothing
And all I feel now
Is broken
When I fell in love
I was scared
I did not want
What I wanted
Cuz if I got it
It would be gone
I loved so intensely
It was like a death
Or a death to be
Everything would end
Eventually
So why bother
I was afraid
And frozen
Then I had a friend
And I fell in love with her
Cuz she loved me
And that was easy
I wouldn’t have to risk anything
But it would end too
And in the end
Even though I didn’t really want it
And thought it would be easy
It still left me broken
I can’t love
Because it will end
And I will lose
More of me
And again it happened
More of me
Was gone
My instinct led me
Always to a destiny
Of the end
My instinct wanted forever
But my truth
Didn’t know how to live
And died over and over
Over impossible needs
To find a forever
In a broken world
In a broken me
That breaks more
Everyday
Then later on
What was left of me
Moved to a place called
California
A storybook place that was alive
In my dreams of montage moments
Of silver screen perfection
And hearts that know
How to pretend…
Once upon a time
I was born in the middle of an ocean
I call those waves my home In my heart
And always have
Then I came to this place
Called California
And I lived in a dusty bowl
Of contentment
Called the valley
And only dreamt of that place
Over the hills and through the woods
Dreamt of the ocean
That would only
Swallow me
Drown me
Want me
To give myself in whole
To my home…
And my heart
That I may forget
If I don’t dive in soon
And find it…you see
This shattered structure
That I carry in my chest
Is a ghost of a past I never wanted
And was never strong enough to live through
My true heart in fact
Is deep in the ocean
And if I find it
Maybe I can live again
And everyday that passes
I will find my way
Back to that place
Called California
And I will pray
For that earthquake
To break me
One last time
When I at last
Live by the sea
With the courage
To at last become me
And me and my California
Will fall peacefully
Off the face of America
And into the ocean deep
Where I will reunite
With a heart that has been in safe keeping
While I lived breaking apart an imposter
Pretending to be pounding in my chest…
Pause and pause again
As I wonder about this kinda sorta
Quest for truth
That is sliding fast
Into wanna be
Self help poetry
So on that note
I guess there’s nothing else to say
Yet the truth is, right now
Now at this very moment
I am almost home
I hear the waves crashing
And I am tired
Of crashing
And I am tired
Of breaking
But I beg you
To break me one last time
And drown me
And swallow me
And bring me home
And show me my heart
Like you meant it to be
Before I learned that forever
Is just a dream
And shaking
Is survival